tv At Midnight Comedy Central January 8, 2014 2:00am-2:31am PST
>> his korean is so good. [laughter] that is former nba star and apparent captain in the korea army, dennis rodman preparing for his intercontinental championship match. that is actually dennis rodman giving an chn interview in north korea to play basketball with a team of former fba players for kim jung un's birthday. what do you get for the manboy who murders everything? i don't know. comedians look at the guys sitting behind dennis while he's going off and you can see regret trickle down from the top of their heads. but i would like you to tell me what they're thinking. moshe kasher? >> this is kim jung uncomfortable. >> grace? >> please jesus tell me i dvred the bachelor. >> doug doug teug doug. >> we're not the new
globetrotters? >> it's@mid night! >> welcome to@midnight. day two. this is a show that is so stuffed with social media you might think you're watching the internet but you're not. this is television. and i'm getting paid. what? i'm an asshole for that. tonight's comedians are exciting. they're dear friends performing at the la jolla, moshe kasher. [ applause ] >> you call the podcast the champ. and i see that one of your former guests was pro slugger jose canseco. what would you say is the greatest lesson that he taught you? >> he taught me specifically how to and not to shoot up drugs into your bloodstream. i learned a lot that day. i used to weigh 95 pounds.
[laughter] >> don't say stuff like that. actually i want to get called a bitch tit on twirtdz. he is actually a normal dude. i'm just kidding. ok. former youtube channel "it's grace" and it's grace helbig. >> yeah. >> you relaunched your own personally owned youtube channel and one day gained over 300,000 subscribers. >> yes. >> did you dream of owning a youtube channel when you were growing up? >> that and i wanted to be in the swim with the dolphins program. >> what happened? >> just dolphins are crazy scary. >> i know. >> and i don't like water. [laughter] >> suck it, dolphins. here is doug benson. [applause.
doug, the only time that you were here on a television show and have it not be a sports reference. doug will be at riot fest inla. alone january 11. one question for you being that marijuana was legalized in colorado on january 1 why are you here right now? >> because can i still catch a plane to denver when -- no i can't. [laughter] i'm here because it seemed legal the last time i was in denver. >> i feel like there's a little zone of legality that follows you around like some weird pot stem that just follows you around. ripped from today's internet headlines it's "rapid refresh." [ applause ] first comedian to buzz in with the correct answer gets a hundred points. making her debut at the zoo in
washington, bao bao -- this incident was exploited by gawker with which headline? what was the headline? bao bao gets a booboo? or b pan-duh. or c stupid panda baby falls on reporters. doug benson? >> b pan-duh. >> the correct is c stay tuned panda bare falls on stupid face in front of reporters. how does that happen? >> you know this is weird for me to say this. but i can explain what was going on with that panda. >> you can? >> yeah. if you don't mind can we show the clip? >> oh, sure. [laughter] >> you've got nothing to worry about bao bao, this isn't strong. i came on second place on@mitt
need three times on this stuff. >> that explains a lot. that explains a lot. is that the dude from the chinese food video? [laughter] all right. next one. our favorite nfl player darnell docket returned to twitter tonight responding to an alabama quarterback mother who asked is that english? how did darnell docket respond? you fight all of your son assess race wars for him? b, you just pouty because you want the d #30 teewhitemoms. not no get technical but i don't know where why he called that a
thirst quencher. or was it c -- look i'm willing to forgive you for your comments about number 5 but let's go to wing stop and flirt. >> i would say a. >> no. the correct is c. they're going to wing stop and flirt. >> wow. >> this got in under the wire that one. i just can't think of a place i would less like to flirt with someone other than wing stop. >> hashtag wing stop. >> i'm excited to bring the tweet of the day back. last night's winter was midwstrn values with tweet of the day, "charlotte's web" series. last night's championship game marked the end of college football's bowl season.
congratulations graduates. comedians in honor of the event, tonight's #is -- rejected bowl games. #rejectedbowlgames. so examples are the sars bowl or any bowl would be acceptable. 60 seconds. ready go. >> finger bowl. >> grace helbig. >> the other two members of the destiny's child bowl. >> that's a very specific bowl. >> moshe kasher. >> bowling for columbine. >> i got to give you points. it works. doug benson? >> pack-a-bowl. >> they love you. >> two things. one [bleep] you! two, points. >> moshe kasher. >> d nuts bowl, presented by planters. >> that's a good one. they should have that.
>> welcome back to show show. thank you for coming back. it's time to play etsy mitchmen , the first of the new season. now, in the real world retail stoors go out of business when they can't pay rent. but on etsy you can sell anything you want, keep your doors open as long as they don't take your computer away. then then it will be an etsy server so you're fine. i will show you strange items from essy and you have to give me a killer tag line to help sell it. here is one.
miley cyrus religious canned snell. >> this is a red candle but it acts glak great one. >> orb you just find it on top of a black candle. >> it's hard to tell because the lines are blurred. thank you. >> moshe kasher i gave you points because you're ♪ a good girl ♪ ♪ . >> next one? >> the perfect greeting card for the creepiest cat lady in your life. the only thing creepier is this card. that's how just a cat would be in you and then exit your body, fur and all. >> i think this image is even more disgusting if you imagine she put it there in the first place.
meow-ch! me-ouch! >> this is from hoarders extreme edition. >> wait a minute. go back to that image right this second. so we can show this but you have to picks ill late the tits out? are you kidding me? well, we don't want anyone to be offended by a nipple. there is a cross-section of a lady with a cats coming out of her vagina but if there's one millimeter of nipple, it's going to get crazy! [ applause ] >> this is what is fun. see that big pussy comes out of that big [bleep] and if my standards and practice and circulations are correct only one of those got bleeped.
[ applause ] >> chris what? >> points! thank you. >> no one takes the time to give me points and i'm up here tap dancing like a jerk the whole time. no mountains, emotion. >> it would be the worst tap dancing ever behind a podium. >> >> wow look at him go. time for the next game. #fml or had just yolo. >> some day when ail yeps visit earth and determine what humans were like before earth went extinct, there will be two phrases that will fully articulate what society stood for. i will read a bunch of tweets and you have to tell mes which one. >> here is the first.
sainl under rated in cleansing. >> hang on to that. we mr. get to your answer. >> i don't feel like the act itself should be the cleansing part. moshe kasher? >> if it was fma, it would be one thing but it's yolo. >> yolo. and by the way, i think it is exactly rated right where it needs to be. >> oh, it's a dude, that's something he tells his girlfriend. >> that's my #followfriday now. >> dropped my could birth control in my coffee and drained it. >> fml? >> fml. >> clumsy. columnsy. oops i had a baby. stupid danger panda and stupid danger panda face!
>> that girl cannot get her life together. >> is that the panda? was that the panda from earlier? danger panda smoked a bunch of weed and dropped his birth control pills. time for the first live challenge haunted house hunters. of. >> we found this listed on zillow.com. to is this room actual italy stretching? here is the ad "slightly haunted house for sale -- slightly. nothing serious. the sounds of fan ton footstep and strange knocking sound followed by a very quiet hardly noticeable scream at 3:13 a.m. maybe once a week, twice a week tops, and the comparable ghastly visage lurking behind you in the
to me i asked you to respond as a prospective buyer. grace helbig? >> does the ghastly visage know how to set up my asshole tv. i hate myself, will you meet me at chili for a margarita? >> i'm interested as long as patrick swayze isn't keeping me up all night with his pottery wheel. i ain't afraid of no ghost! >> to be fair it wasn't his pottery wheel. it was demi moore's pottery wheel. that is squeaky. don't put baby in the corner. moshe kasher? >> i am interested but i need to know, are the neighbors black? >> oh man! come on. >> if they are, i'm going to move in. i like an african-american neighborhood. >> great am i racist?
is he racist? >> i'm going to give doug 500. moshe kasher 250 pounds. time for the final speed game. this is the great equalizer. this is call new facebook group. >> foork is lousy with all the kind of terrible facebook groups that members like, dressing up as an appear and he will chase fat people. which is real. or alien intervention resistance group. or i hate when one of the strings of my hoody becomes longer than the other. there's 1.3 million likes by the way. that cat came out of someone's vagina! [laughter] over on esty. comedians you have 60 seconds to come up with facebook groups no sane person would want to join. each person that makes me and
the audience laugh gets 250 points. >> adult children of chockaholics. scaibys beanie babies. >> points. >> white men that have slept with kim kardashian. >> one member. one guy. >> just one guy. >> yes. >> the other two members of destiny's child. >> doug benson? >> fans of gravity, not the movie. >> that should have a lot but not as much as a hoody. points? >> grace helbig. >> i named my pet pit bull after the music artist pit bull. >> points. we see the end of that. i'm sorry grace helbig, you're in third place. so sad to see you go. i miss you already. >> do you have any final words? >> michelle williams mr. never
die. >> she's not dead at the moment. >> and she's never die. >> its grace on youtube. doug, you can't break the beam. you just burned all of your face off. >> oh, no. >> there's a cat growing in my vagina right now. >> quick, get some hot water and newspaper and a cat -- ok. that means it's time for the head-to-head face-off for the win! on craigslist, the only serial killer shopping list turned popular web site, a young woman posted this new year's eve missed connection. w4m25, after a few moments i felt something warm and realized you pissed yourself. i pushed you away but i wish you had stayed. you peed on me but it's ok. i want to know who who are.
>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's late: but this is the moment you've been waiting for. it's time for the win. >> i'm going to wipe your scores clean. it comes down to the head-to-head challenge and write your answers down. the winner will be decided by you guys, the live studio audience. before the break i showed you this post about a new year's eve kiss. i asked you to respond as the mantle who wet his khakis and your answers were: a you were crying because i told you were trapped 234 the closet. i believed you could fly. yours r. kelly. ps i'm really into peepee. it's very talents. i don't think r. kelly would use an apostrophe there either. next one: that wasn't pee and that's why i thought you were crying. ok. that's it gets the